Out of Control

The words, out of control, spill from my lips quite often. "These kids are out of control," "This heat is out of control," "My hair is out of control," ....definitely one of my more favored catch phrases.

Generally speaking, when i use the phrase, it is not on pleasant terms. The last 6 months have definitely been a time of soul searching and self awareness. I would say that I have had brief moments of this in the past, but nothing this intense. I have questioned everything. Why do I serve God? Who is He to me? Where do I fit? What should I be doing? How do I change this controlling habit?... are just a few of the things rolling around in my head and heart.

Sometime around March I decided that too many things in my life were OUT of control, and i was going to get them UNDER control. I decided to begin with weight loss. I know right, DUH DUH DUH! I asked a close friend and his wife to hold me accountable through the process. I set a lofty goal, joined Diet Center, and got to work. Five months and 46 1/2 pounds lighter, I am headed in the right direction. Whoever said it gets easier with time lied. Everyday is struggle, every choice is conscious. The goal is in front of me, it's my decision whether or not i reach it.

Feeling pretty good about myself, i decided to tackle some of the deeper issues. After all, i got myself headed down one right path, finding the others should be pretty simple.

So I asked....

"God, where do you and I stand?"

I started digging way down in the hidden places and i didn't enjoy everything my expedition unearthed. I became aware very quickly that where I served and what I got to be a part of had mattered more to me than WHO I was doing it for. "Kingdom Minded" was something that sounded great from my mouth but never touched my heart. Ouch!

Most people shy away from painful confrontation. I found myself craving more. It was like God and I were finally getting all the cards out on the table. Nothing up my sleeves. I cried out, "Dig deeper God, I beg you to turn over every stone and walk every secret trail."

It was sometime in early summer that God began to show me what he already knew was there, and what i needed to discover.

Out of control was in fact NOT my issue, In control was.

Every area of my life that i felt was spiraling out of control was that way because i had chosen to control them. It would be easy to default to the personality test at that moment. Believe me, I have taken plenty. That's just the way Cholerics are, I am made this way. Its not control issues, it's leadership. I am a strong go-getter type. What do you expect?

How eye opening. Could it be that so many of the things I felt had "happened" to me were actually due to my own pride? The unsettling answer was yes. That moment of realization when you think you have been in a place of total surrender but you weren't, mandates a life altering decision.

Here I thought my quest was to finally "be in control" of my life when in reality it was one to be "out of control." Completely and totally out of control. I had been so concerned with what had happened to me and where i was going next, i missed the point. I missed the God moments & opportunities in front of me.

What I didn't expect was for the decision to be out of control to feel so good. To feel the freedom that comes with finally being at complete surrender. To understand that it doesn't matter what I am doing next, as long as it brings glory God.

So I find it is a very familiar situation to maintaining my physical health, except for one difference. Everyday is a struggle, every choice is conscious. The goal is in front of me, thank God it is not up to me to reach it.

"Look to the Lord and His strength. Seek his face always." Psalm 105:4