Where did I go?

You know, you never expect that one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have lost yourself, you dont know who you are or where you fit. That is a terrifying feeling.........

I can remember when i first was hired at DFA in Tennessee. I was so young, full of it, and overwhelmed. Six years and alot of mistakes and victories later i felt like i had carved out a place in ministry and adult life that was me. My identity was my ministry and my work. My place was at the church working, and i loved it!

Then, in year 6, along came our daughter. She was a hiccup in the schedule for awhile. But, a good baby. She "traveled well"...mobile with me at all times. Shortly after her arrival we decided to become really mobile and move from middle Tennessee to Auburn, Alabama.

I think it was during this time that the layers started peeling back. The place i had carved for myself in ministry was beginning to crack. Something with me wasnt right. The cracks got to deep and the layers peeled to low. Nothing was outwardly wrong, it was a deep issue. Inside me.

We moved after a few months of ministry in Auburn to be back here, North Little Rock. It took me about a year to get my head out of the dirt. Self pity comes wrapped in lovely paper of justification. It looks really nice for awhile. In the end it locks you up and shuts down your life before you even realize whats happening.

After my son was born i think i became almost a little bitter. Where is MY life? Where is MY place in ministry? Is this what I am now??? A babysitter? I used to make a difference, i used to be important, i used to have a place!!

The days drained me and the nights were sleepless. My new baby was great, my daughter growing up so fast, but what about ME?

I had a moment one night. I couldnt take it any more. You know one of those times where either you leave or someone looses their life. So, i left. I drove all over for awhile. Ate some food. Went to the river...and then i fell asleep. When i woke sitting in my car looking at the Arkansas River, the boats, the dragonflies, the sounds...i lost it. I cried out to God and just began to beg Him for some guidance. Some form of help...anything!

I ended up at Barnes and Nobles. No, not for coffee and cheesecake (ha ha) but i did something i swore i would NEVER do. I bought a book on "Being a Godly Mom." Now i have been completely apposed to such book for their use of the phrases "Oh dear mom" or "Sweet precious woman of God."

However, in the first few moments of reading that book i knew that in a moment of Gods humor, he was about to use THAT book, full of mushy phrases, to speak to me.

I think through that book and lots of deep long looks at Gods word and my life, i realized that I had lost my identity. Everything i had worked so hard for was gone. It was replaced with an ever harder job that never ended and pooped all the time! I did'nt have an identity, or know who i was, because the THINGS and POSITIONS i had found my life in were gone.

Hmmm...are we starting to get the picture. It is so funny that you dont even realize along your fast paced and zealous quest to be the best minister that you can be, you forget to be the best Christ Follower that you can be. When that ministry is gone.... so are you.

So my life has changed. After 7 years of ministry, 1 husband, and 2 kids...i am finding who I am in Christ. I am learning to follow Him every day, His thoughts for me, and His plans for me. And although i am not who I was, I am certain i will be a better somebody because of it!

Psalm 25:4-5 "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long"