Out of Control

The words, out of control, spill from my lips quite often. "These kids are out of control," "This heat is out of control," "My hair is out of control," ....definitely one of my more favored catch phrases.

Generally speaking, when i use the phrase, it is not on pleasant terms. The last 6 months have definitely been a time of soul searching and self awareness. I would say that I have had brief moments of this in the past, but nothing this intense. I have questioned everything. Why do I serve God? Who is He to me? Where do I fit? What should I be doing? How do I change this controlling habit?... are just a few of the things rolling around in my head and heart.

Sometime around March I decided that too many things in my life were OUT of control, and i was going to get them UNDER control. I decided to begin with weight loss. I know right, DUH DUH DUH! I asked a close friend and his wife to hold me accountable through the process. I set a lofty goal, joined Diet Center, and got to work. Five months and 46 1/2 pounds lighter, I am headed in the right direction. Whoever said it gets easier with time lied. Everyday is struggle, every choice is conscious. The goal is in front of me, it's my decision whether or not i reach it.

Feeling pretty good about myself, i decided to tackle some of the deeper issues. After all, i got myself headed down one right path, finding the others should be pretty simple.

So I asked....

"God, where do you and I stand?"

I started digging way down in the hidden places and i didn't enjoy everything my expedition unearthed. I became aware very quickly that where I served and what I got to be a part of had mattered more to me than WHO I was doing it for. "Kingdom Minded" was something that sounded great from my mouth but never touched my heart. Ouch!

Most people shy away from painful confrontation. I found myself craving more. It was like God and I were finally getting all the cards out on the table. Nothing up my sleeves. I cried out, "Dig deeper God, I beg you to turn over every stone and walk every secret trail."

It was sometime in early summer that God began to show me what he already knew was there, and what i needed to discover.

Out of control was in fact NOT my issue, In control was.

Every area of my life that i felt was spiraling out of control was that way because i had chosen to control them. It would be easy to default to the personality test at that moment. Believe me, I have taken plenty. That's just the way Cholerics are, I am made this way. Its not control issues, it's leadership. I am a strong go-getter type. What do you expect?

How eye opening. Could it be that so many of the things I felt had "happened" to me were actually due to my own pride? The unsettling answer was yes. That moment of realization when you think you have been in a place of total surrender but you weren't, mandates a life altering decision.

Here I thought my quest was to finally "be in control" of my life when in reality it was one to be "out of control." Completely and totally out of control. I had been so concerned with what had happened to me and where i was going next, i missed the point. I missed the God moments & opportunities in front of me.

What I didn't expect was for the decision to be out of control to feel so good. To feel the freedom that comes with finally being at complete surrender. To understand that it doesn't matter what I am doing next, as long as it brings glory God.

So I find it is a very familiar situation to maintaining my physical health, except for one difference. Everyday is a struggle, every choice is conscious. The goal is in front of me, thank God it is not up to me to reach it.

"Look to the Lord and His strength. Seek his face always." Psalm 105:4

You're In Time Out

So, there have been alot of time outs at our house lately. To say that Morgan is in a challenging phase would be an understatement. The arrival of a very mobile and full of personality baby brother has only fueled her fire.

We have rules in place for her. If she breaks a rule, depending on the severity, she either gets a time out or a spanking. The thought behind time out (for our family) is to slow her down, remove the distractions of the moment, and help her reflect on the choices she just made. Hopefully at the end of her three minute respite, she will make a better choice in the future.


Morgan is strong willed...don't know where she got that (ha ha). She doesn't enjoy correction or being told what to do. I know, i know-what kid does right? It seems the minute i turn my back her claws come out and she is a little heat seeking missile locked on her brother. He has been the recipient of nail scratches, block floggings, toy car throwings, and yes even the occasional bite. Our little "bad girl" has been warned that one day brother wont be such a baby any more. When that day comes we have made it abundantly clear to her that we will stand back and let him have his moment. Yet in spite of time outs, spankings, and warnings of imminent beating from her brother...she gets caught up in the moment and makes the wrong choice, alot.

Having kids has defintely made me reflect on who i am much more often. I have good intentions. I start everyday with a plan in my head and my priorities in mind.

*Love God. Spend time with Him personally, share Him publicly.
*Love my family. Nurture my kids and my marriage.
*Love myself. Make good eating choices, actually go to bed at a decent hour.

Seems simple enough. But just as my three year old gets overwhelmed with the moment, so many times i find myself caught up in "life." I like to stay busy. Please do not ask me to sit still, that is like a death sentence. I thrive on working, having projects, irons in every fire. Ask me to do something, my answer is yes. Tell me to be there at 8, i will be there at 7:45. New recipe, lets try it. New project, lets start it. New opportunity, count me in. I will stay up later and get up earlier to make my commitments happen. It's just what makes me tick. All the while i feel fulfilled based on what i am achieving. It isn't until i finally slow down for a moment that i look back on the week, or month, and realize what a "bad girl" i have been.

Priorities aren't priorities if they come second. Those are merely options. So while my ego is massaged by my accomplishments. My spirit is malnourished, my family is mistreated, and my physical well being is a miss. In spite of the warnings from my Father, i get caught up in the moment and make the wrong choice, alot.

So, as i was placing my head strong little girl in her time out spot this morning, it occurred to me just how much i needed one too.

I need to slow down, remove the distractions of the moment, and reflect on the choices i am making. I don't want my priorities to be overlooked because of moments of being busy. I don't want my need to be doing to dictate my choices.

Just as my three year old still needs time outs to help her make the right choices, so does her thirty one year old mother. The goal? When we get up from our time out we will make the right choice. And one at a time those right choices will make us better people and followers of Christ.

Homeade Marshmallows and Store Bought God

Holidays are definitely the Superbowl for the aspiring home baker. As soon as the air gets crisp in fall the wheels start turning with grand plans for all the lovely delights which will be baked and distributed over the next few months. This year has been no different....

On a visit to Williams Sonoma i noticed a very cute and yummy looking package of homemade marshmallows. They were, get this, almost $15! The Martha and Alton Brown in me immediately called "I can do that."

So, a few hours Internet research and a quick trip to the store later, i began my homemade marshmallow adventure. Not one flavor...that's for novelist, TWO flavors were in the works.

I began with original vanilla. Which, just so you know, is the flavor of all standard mallows. What a process...softening gelatin in just the right temperature and amount of water. Boiling sugar and syrup to the exact degree. Stirring a little but not too much. Nervously babysitting the candy thermometer until the sugar had boiled to a nice "soft ball" stage. Then, the big show...incorporating at precisely the right speed the boiling sugar to the softened gelatin. The Kitchen Aid mixer set to low and gradually being worked to high over the course of 15 minutes. At this point i waited, holding my breath, fingers crossed....would it work?

You can imagine the accomplished smirk on my face when after 10 minutes of whipping i checked the bowl and a beautiful white cloud of fluff was emerging! Once done mixing i carefully spread the oober sticky mix into a heavily sugared pan and then waited. and waited. and waited.

The mallows take a minimum 3-4 hours to set up in the pan. So, while vanilla batch #1 processed i started the whole game over again, this time making peppermint.

Somewhere in the region of 2 am i finally began to cut the perfect white and pink fluff. Not easy, however not as difficult as i had imagined. Once the cute cubes were cut they rolled in confectioners sugar and were laid to rest for yet another hour.

Around 3am i began the... bag em, bow em, and tag em process. They were as i had dreamed. A lovely replica of an overpriced bag of fluff at one of my most revered stores. I slipped into bed close to 4 with a very satisfied feeling of accomplishment.

Now, you can imagine my excitement to distribute my culinary wonders the next morning. Without hesitation i began "blessing" willing patrons with my creations. Bows were untied, hands slid into the clear treat bags, and mouths were filled with mallow. I was ecstatic to see smiles come across the faces of my friends, even happier to receive compliments such as;

"You made these from scratch, NO WAY!"

"Oh my goodness, these are awesome"

"These definitely are the best marshmallows i have ever tasted"

"This must have taken forever?"

and indeed, it had been a long and involved labor of love.

Just as i was about to mark this one down in the books of "Melodys Moments of Success"....a friend (who shall remain nameless out of the kindness of my heart) was offered a marshmallow by his wife.

He took a mallow, tried a bite, and preceded to say "What's the big deal? Can't you just buy marshmallows at the store?"

SERIOUSLY...are you KIDDING me?

Now, my anonymous friend is a button pusher. I do believe he especially enjoys dialing my number. I was not completely crushed, just un-saddled briefly.

I quickly replied with a sarcastic "whatever!" ....knowing that the treats were good, and yummy, and cute.....how could they not be, i invested so much!

As i sat looking at a bag of pink and white marshmallow remnants in my kitchen this morning, i recalled the words of my button pushing friend and shook my head grinning.

It was at that moment I felt God speaking to me, deep down, a heart message to bring reflection and change.

Is my relationship with God store bought?

When i am having a craving do i go to the cabinet and pull out the bag of devotion e-mails, 10 minutes with God books, a Sunday night in the pew, or a last minute bedtime prayer.

Am i really investing in getting to know my Creator?

I was immediately convicted. I certainly have all the ingredients to make an authentic, original, fresh and new walk with God. Yet, so many times i find myself, for convenience sake, reaching for the store bought God. Munching on what He has revealed to someone else, digesting just enough to calm my hunger.

What a reminder that what God desires of me is dedication. So many times He is approached with a hurried hand in the bag grabbing for whatever I need at the time. And i think sometimes He must want to say...

"SERIOUSLY....are you KIDDING me?"

Instead he chooses to gently use a marshmallow remind me what commitment means.

Hebrews 6:12 "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised"

Where did I go?

You know, you never expect that one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have lost yourself, you dont know who you are or where you fit. That is a terrifying feeling.........

I can remember when i first was hired at DFA in Tennessee. I was so young, full of it, and overwhelmed. Six years and alot of mistakes and victories later i felt like i had carved out a place in ministry and adult life that was me. My identity was my ministry and my work. My place was at the church working, and i loved it!

Then, in year 6, along came our daughter. She was a hiccup in the schedule for awhile. But, a good baby. She "traveled well"...mobile with me at all times. Shortly after her arrival we decided to become really mobile and move from middle Tennessee to Auburn, Alabama.

I think it was during this time that the layers started peeling back. The place i had carved for myself in ministry was beginning to crack. Something with me wasnt right. The cracks got to deep and the layers peeled to low. Nothing was outwardly wrong, it was a deep issue. Inside me.

We moved after a few months of ministry in Auburn to be back here, North Little Rock. It took me about a year to get my head out of the dirt. Self pity comes wrapped in lovely paper of justification. It looks really nice for awhile. In the end it locks you up and shuts down your life before you even realize whats happening.

After my son was born i think i became almost a little bitter. Where is MY life? Where is MY place in ministry? Is this what I am now??? A babysitter? I used to make a difference, i used to be important, i used to have a place!!

The days drained me and the nights were sleepless. My new baby was great, my daughter growing up so fast, but what about ME?

I had a moment one night. I couldnt take it any more. You know one of those times where either you leave or someone looses their life. So, i left. I drove all over for awhile. Ate some food. Went to the river...and then i fell asleep. When i woke sitting in my car looking at the Arkansas River, the boats, the dragonflies, the sounds...i lost it. I cried out to God and just began to beg Him for some guidance. Some form of help...anything!

I ended up at Barnes and Nobles. No, not for coffee and cheesecake (ha ha) but i did something i swore i would NEVER do. I bought a book on "Being a Godly Mom." Now i have been completely apposed to such book for their use of the phrases "Oh dear mom" or "Sweet precious woman of God."

However, in the first few moments of reading that book i knew that in a moment of Gods humor, he was about to use THAT book, full of mushy phrases, to speak to me.

I think through that book and lots of deep long looks at Gods word and my life, i realized that I had lost my identity. Everything i had worked so hard for was gone. It was replaced with an ever harder job that never ended and pooped all the time! I did'nt have an identity, or know who i was, because the THINGS and POSITIONS i had found my life in were gone.

Hmmm...are we starting to get the picture. It is so funny that you dont even realize along your fast paced and zealous quest to be the best minister that you can be, you forget to be the best Christ Follower that you can be. When that ministry is gone.... so are you.

So my life has changed. After 7 years of ministry, 1 husband, and 2 kids...i am finding who I am in Christ. I am learning to follow Him every day, His thoughts for me, and His plans for me. And although i am not who I was, I am certain i will be a better somebody because of it!

Psalm 25:4-5 "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long"

the variety pack part 1

I have decided to attempt to blog...i suppose to hopefully share our family experiaces, my crazy thoughts, and how God is working in us.....here we go